Monday was my first day back to work after having my baby. I have not been very happy about it! It was more of a necessity instead of a choice since my ex-husband decided he had more important things to do instead of paying child support. Since he was illegal it was easy for him to go back to Mexico and decide to forget about paying for the 4 kids that depended on his financial support. Oh well… whatever! I just had a baby (from current husband) and was planning on staying home with her. I was expecting to be next to her all day everyday. I have been cloth diapering her and exclusively breastfeeding her because I felt that was best for her and the environment. I took my children out of the public school system because I felt it was time for me to step up to the plate to educate and raise my children in a way that wasn’t available to them in government run schools. I wanted what was best for my kids but since my life took a turn for the worse I decided to suck it up and go back to work.
My boss has been asking for me to come back since I’ve had the baby. I had quit a few weeks back because I decided that my family had to come first and it was best if I stayed home with my children and new baby but things have changed. I had loved working with him and for that particular company that my husband also works at which made the transition a bit easier. Since my decision to go back to work I have been crying myself to sleep every night and started having these stupid anxiety attacks again but since it was only part-time it couldn’t be that bad right?! Anyways, I was scanning some paperwork today and realized that last weeks safety meeting was on lead poisoning. WTF! I could be exposing myself and my family to lead?! I guess I never really thought about it before.
I work at an engineering/construction company. I am a project assistant for the best project manager at our company. My department manufactures big airplane stands. I work upstairs but out of my office windows I am able to see everything that goes on downstairs. I see the guys cutting, drilling and welding all day long. I never thought that this could be a source of lead poisoning! Being exposed to the dust in the air from the guys welding never passed my mind. Feeding my baby breast milk that could possibly contain an unhealthy amount of lead and putting lead dust into our bed where my baby and I sleep never crossed my mind.
I am totally freaking out about this! I just bought a really nice breast pump so that I could still be able to pump milk so my baby wouldn’t have to touch formula. My manager agreed to let me work part-time so I wouldn’t be apart from my baby for too long. I begged my older children to help watch the baby so we wouldn’t have to put her into daycare but I don’t know if it is worth it!
I have been doing everything humanly possible to rid my home of toxins, educate and raise my children how I feel best, register for a few more college courses online to work towards my bachelors degree and get my doTERRA business up and running. Now I feel like I have just been sucker punched by a complete psychopath called “crappy reality”. I was not planning on no child support. I was not planning on having to leave my baby and go back to work. I was not planning on my anxiety coming back. I was not planning on being exposed to lead at work.
So now the question is WTF do I do! Well I have no clue. I can quit my job but my husband doesn’t make enough money to pay our bills. I can start going door to door begging people to buy essential oils from me because I am desperate (maybe that would kick start my business) HA! I could find a craft that I’m way good at and take my butt to the farmers market during the weekends and pray that I can actually sell something.
Well for now I am going to go rub some Serenity oil on my feet and cry myself back to sleep. In the morning I will wake up and leave my baby with my older daughter so I can go to work. I will for sure be using my Serenity and Balance essential oils to help me get through the day! I will wear my fake smile, I will pump my milk, I will go to my meetings, I will pray that my brain doesn’t decide switch to full blown panic attack mode just because it feels like it and before I know it I will be back home. When I get back home my reality will be waiting for me to face it one on one and I will have some major thinking and decision making to do!!!